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Rules of
Parental Sideline Behavior
Came across the following
"Rules of Parental Sideline Behavior" on the internet. It is
tongue-in-cheek, but still, there are some truths here-in.
Rule #1: Thou Shalt Not Praise Thy Own
Daughter. It is late in the second half of a vital game and the
score is tied against the arch-villain traditional enemies. Your daughter
performs a full speed sliding tackle to strip the ball from an attacker
who eluded the keeper 3 feet in front of the goal. She does a “pop-up”
slide and comes to her feet without ever losing the ball. Juking and
faking, she takes a run up the touchline, leaving opponents sprawled in
her wake and then, sensing that the whistle is about to blow, hits an
off-foot shot from 35 yards that starts out 20 yards wide and hooks back
just into the upper “V” to win the game. Your reaction? A pleased smile. A
little leap no more than 4 inches off the ground. No cries of “Where is
Anson Dorrance when we really need him?” No matter your intent, shoveling
plaudits on your own kid is seen as basically self-promotion. Other
parents will mutter darkly and cast jealous glances at you.
Rule #2: Thou Shalt Praise Other Parents’
Daughters. The reason that you don’t have to praise your own
daughter is that it is the sworn duty of the other parents to do it for
you. In situation #1 they will give you high-fives, hug you, and generally
declare that the spirit of Mia Hamm is being channeled by your child. When
someone else’s little girl does anything ranging from mediocre to
spectacular you will run up to them with similar comments, assuring them
that international stardom is only a short time away, and that this is
proof that the gene pool runs true. When another girl does something
appallingly awful you either remain silent or assure the grieving parent
that it wasn’t that bad, and that she’s been having such a good game she
can be forgiven one little goof.
Rule #3: Thou Shalt Never Criticize Players in
Public. The coach has done it again. Starting at striker is a
girl who is slower than America OnLine, completely clueless about the
tactical niceties of her position, and to whom “airhead” would have to be
considered a compliment. You see the opposing team laughing and pointing.
You groan in what you think is a quiet voice “How can he even keep that
dolt on the team.” Your feet leave the ground as you discover that the
hulking behemoth behind you is her Uncle/Brother whom you had never met.
You can generally take as a given that the players are trying as hard as
they can with differing amounts of skill. Desirable as a "skillectomy"
might be, the ability to trap a line drive and drop it on the shooting
foot cannot be grafted on or surgically attached. Secondly, players are
quite aware when they have made a bonehead play. You will rarely hear a
player shout "Thanks guys, I didn’t realize that whiffing was a bad
thing!" Thirdly, these are still our kids - not professionals - and even
the pros make mistakes. The pros are paid to be able to take criticism as
aimed at their play rather than themselves as persons. Your daughters
aren’t.
Rule #4: When Commenting about the Field Action,
Silence is Golden. At times you may feel like commenting upon the
quality of play, the quality of officiating, and the coaches’ decisions.
Due to your years of observing from the sidelines and the fact that you
coached the “Sunflowers” in the U-8 rec league you may have the belief
that your opinions are (1) accurate, (2)incisive; and (3) worthy of
communicating loudly so everyone else can hear them. You are wrong.
Neither the players, the referees, nor the coach are going to make any
changes in response to your bellows from the sideline. They are, however,
going to be mad at you - joining a group including your spouse, your
friends, and anyone standing close to you. Kids goof, refs goof, coaches
goof. Before you shout, picture your next day at work as you are working
on a project and in the doorway to your office are a crowd of players,
coaches and refs booing you and demanding that you be fired.
Rule #5: Silence Can Be Deadly. The usual
response to your sideline comments is a tug on your shirt from your
spouse, a glare, rolling of eyes by your neighbors, and a silent promise
by your daughter to change her name and become an orphan. However, there
are those times when your comments result in a sudden pall of silence and
you’re becoming the center of attention from the sidelines and the field.
Sort of like in 4th grade when you fell asleep in class and made a funny
sound when you startled awake. This means you have Crossed The Line from
being an obnoxious parent/fan to another status entirely - such as the
Unknown Brother at a U-16 Regionals game making anatomically uncomfortable
suggestions about where a referee’s unblown whistle should reside. When
silence falls and you are the focus of everyone’s attention it may be time
to announce that you are overdue at the hospital to perform a lifesaving
operation and to slink away at top speed.
Rule #6: This Is Still a Game. Despite
the fact that each player’s family has invested a great deal of time and
money in soccer at this level, and they are hoping that soccer will help
pay the college bills, it is still a game and if your daughter doesn’t
enjoy it she will not play well - and maybe not at all. Ask yourself if
what you do at games and practices and tournaments helps your daughter
have fun and enjoy the game or adds pressure and worry. Ask yourself after
the game if watching two teams of beautiful, talented, fit, and eager
young ladies was fun for you? If it wasn’t - if you found yourself
criticizing, carping, upset, and unhappy - remember that there is enough
pressure and stress involved with making a living and guiding your family
through the challenges of modern life. Forget the calls, forget the score,
forget the standings. Give your daughter a hug, tell her you love her, and
be thankful for every day you have to share with her because they don’t
stay kids very long. |